When I started my recovery, these thoughts subsided, and my eating disorder improved, and I thought I was cured in about a month and a half. Then I had my first lapse, I felt the rug had been pulled out from under me and I was back to square one, from then every time I was doing well a small voice in my head said “ this wont last, it never lasts, watch you will never recover”. This mistrust in myself would lead to a string of lapses over the course of the next few months. Of course, lapses are a normal part of recovery they teach very important information we can learn from. However, I had no interest in learning. I felt they were not my doing, other things kept happening to me, I was out of control. I had no choice. When asked why I lapsed all I used to say was “I don’t know “ over and over.