Skydiving is the single most terrifying thing I have done in my life. You leave the safe solid ground in the small rickety plane that is entirely to small and packed with people. The landing pad become a speck on the ground and suddenly it dawns on you that YOU are about to be thrown though a plane door at an altitude of four thousand meters.
The view is amazing but you find you really can’t take any of it in. Everything is to loud, there are far to much people, and you hate that your the only one who seems scared.
That voice in your head tells you that the “safest” place is in the plane and you almost try convince the pilot to let you stay.
You reach peak altitude and they open the door. You don’t look down.
Then you are falling. The world goes out of focus for a few seconds, But then you open your eyes, put your arms to the side and you realise your not falling … but flying. It’s amazing and your heart has never beaten so fast, But there is an overwhelming sense of peace.
The biggest lie my ED told me was that the original panic, fear and lack of control you feel when starting recovery isn’t worth the free fall. It’s not worth the view, the happiness or the feeling of flying.
It told me I wasn’t brave, it told me I couldn’t handle it and the best-option was to stay exactly were I was, where I was “ safe”.
But I HAD conquered my own fear and pushed through. I had reached those plane doors felt the fear and I did it anyway. I was not the same person i was when I last stood on two feet. I realised the ground wasn’t the safe place, but it was comfortable and what I knew.
Recovery is like jumping out of a plane, it’s loud, it’s overwhelming, there is stress and you DO feel out of control.
But it’s that lack control that makes you feel free.
Recovery is a free fall. Feel scared, anxious and apprehensive and do it anyway. Do not take the view for granted.
If I could go back to when I started recovery and look that poor girl in the eyes, who’s biggest fear was taking up space. I would tell tell her what I had achieved, not only with food but in life.
I would hold her and say
“Go through with this, feel the fear, enjoy the free fall. I will catch you when you land”